05/03/2017
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I looked at the blank page in front of me. I knew what I wanted to write but I just couldn’t find the words. I had rewritten this a thousand times in my head. Now the words held no meaning. But I still couldn’t get them out.
I shoved the mental picture around in my mind. Imagined how you would react to every word I wrote and none of them felt real. None of them felt right.
I closed my eyes to help the mental picture grow but the darkness simply made the images disappear. Return to the darkness I always found behind my eyelids.
I closed my laptop. I couldn’t stare at the blinking cursor on the white screen any longer. I pushed the paper of my desk and shove the pencil back in its pot.
The problem is there weren’t the words I need in the English language or in any known language for that matter. I couldn’t find any word that could describe how I felt right now. Even a thesaurus wouldn’t contain enough words.
How can I tell you the truth? How can I tell you what I’m thinking? How can I tell you I’m sorry? How can I tell you goodbye?
14/03/2017
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You smiled at me tonight as you always did when I left your place. I lied to you again. I told you I had an important meeting. Something I couldn’t miss. I told you I’d be home as soon as I could. I guess it wasn’t exactly a lie but I didn’t tell you the truth. I haven’t told you where I keep disappearing off to and you never push me.
I cried when I was far enough from your place that you wouldn’t see. I never let you see me cry. I can’t let you know how much it hurts. And today it wasn’t the pain the brought the tears. It was the thought that soon I would see that smile for the last time.
I had been planning this perfect goodbye. This perfect send off. But I can’t watch your heart break. It will break me. And I can’t take much more breaking. So I am taking the cowards way out.
Please don’t hate me for my goodbye.
29/03/2017
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You came to see me at uni today. I told you about my graduation. I was doing it early and you were so proud of my achievements. I wish you knew the real reason why.
I made my housemates lie to you. They have been doing it since they met you. They don’t want to but I told them how much it meant to me. They have been helping me hide everything. I wish they didn’t have to be involved.
Your visit made me miss an appointment. My doctor has been calling me non-stop. I told you it was a sponsor for my charity work so you let me take the call.
I wish I hadn’t taken it as it ruined the rest of our day. It’s never good news.
14/04/2017
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I couldn’t believe it when you surprised me today. Picking me up after class and taking me straight to the airport.
You had just finished your last job and you wanted to celebrate. A surprise weekend away. It must have cost you a fortune.
I was so happy but I was worried about you finding out. I had not spent this much time with just us in a while. It was getting harder to hide the truth. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to ruin everything.
I will remember that trip for the rest of my days.
30/04/2017
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I sat my exams this week and the pressure of the situation landed me in hospital.
I wouldn’t let them tell you. I told you I was volunteering when you asked me where I had been. It was an excuse I had giving you so many times.
You didn’t even think I might not be telling you everything. You always believed what I said.
04/05/2017
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I got a new prognosis today. It wasn’t great. The doctors want me to give up the research trial. They think I will give me longer. I want longer with you but I can’t ruin all I have been working on. I have given so much of my life to them already, I have to keep going. I hope when you read this you will be understanding. I am sorry I gave up those extra months with you. I wish I could have had longer.
05/05/2017
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I started work on my goodbye today. I think you will really appreciate it. I put all my heart and soul into it but I stole someone else’s words as I couldn’t find my own. I hope one day my words will come.
15/05/2017
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I have been writing to you everyday since the last time I spoke on here. All the letters. All the videos. They are there to say what I can’t. I know I am giving up. I know I am giving in. But I will keep going for you. For as long as I can. I am sorry that I can’t tell you that today. Maybe one day you will understand.
17/05/2017
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You almost walked in on me today when I was filming something for you. You asked me what I was doing when you saw me with my guitar and I told you I was performing in the end of year show. You were so excited you bought tickets straight away. I don’t think I will make it that long.
25/05/2017
This last week has been agony. My medication is not working anymore. I have been trying to hide it from you but I think you have started to notice something is up. I know I don’t have long.
29/05/2017
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I am sorry for running away from you today. I texted you after to tell you I was running late for something but that wasn’t true. I am sick and I don’t want you to see just how sick I am. I want to be with you as I know my end is near but I don’t want to tell you that I have kept something from you this whole time.
03/06/2017
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I know today is my last day with you. Don’t ask me how I know but I know. I hope you accept my goodbye. I hope you accept my apology. I hope you don’t hate me for too long. I am sorry.
Hi everyone, this is Harry.
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A lot of you wanted to know what was in my letters. I know you have seen the videos. The view count goes up everyday. The comments are mostly nice and I thank you for that. I have had Alex add this message for you all. So you get some closure and I get some peace. If you want to see the letters you can find them here. Please be respectful.
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Thank you